One year ago today….

I walked into the gym to meet my personal trainer. My very first.

Ten years of putting myself last ended that day. I was terrified. I was embarrassed. I was fat.  I was ashamed.

Jesse greeted me with a warm smile that felt like a hug. He made me feel welcome. He made me feel encouraged. He made me feel I could do this.

And I did. We did. Together.

He took me through a 15 minute workout. When it was done I asked for more. When that was done I asked for more. Jesse was beaming. “You are a warrior!”

That day, I found my inner athlete.

Me.

An athlete!!

Jesse taught me how to eat. When to eat. What to eat. WHy to eat. He taught me how to work out. How to run. How to lift. How to stretch. How to breathe. How to push myself.  We started slowly. Modified pushups. Just a few. Maybe some sit ups. Just a few. How about we just walk at a fast pace for 1 minute?

One year later and I am dead lifting 185lbs. Squatting 175. I can do full push ups. I can hold myself in a side plank on one arm with the other arm and other leg raised in the air. I can run for miles. Uphill. Sit ups? Please. GIve me a weight to hold and make me do 300. At a time.

I learned mixed martial arts. I became a fighter.  I learned burlesque. I will became a dancer.

The exercise was the easy part. THe diet? Not so much. I struggled. I still struggle. Food is life. Food is passion. I’m a hedonist. I hate denying myself pleasure. I just learned how to find joy in healthy food. How to make my favorite dishes and modify them. How to eat veggies. How to love eating veggies.Oh how I hated veggies. Now if I go a few meals without them, I get cravings. For veggies.

I also learned how to indulge. Responsibly.

Finally, I learned that if I miss a workout, it isn’t the end of my body. I won’t wake up 300 pounds again. If I eat a bacon cheeseburger, I’m not a bad person. For dinner I’ll just have steamed fish. And I’ll only do that once per week. One cheat meal. And it’s ok.

I have 30 pounds to go. Honestly, I’d be ok staying at this weight. It’s the smallest I’ve been in… wow. A long damn time. I love the clothes. I love the looks. I love the life I am living. But I know I can do more. I also know struggling with PCOS makes this a tougher challenge. I’ve come to terms with that. I’m not a normal girl. I do fight medical issues. But I’ll win. It will just take me a bit longer.

Jesse- thank you. Thank you for not giving up on me. I know I’m a wackadoodle client. But you’ve changed my life. I look forward to the next year and those final 30 pounds going away forever.

Before- meet after.

I matter.

At my heaviest. Almost 300lbs                        30 left to go!