When I don’t give a crap about money, money doesn’t give a crap about me.  It behaves itself nicely in savings.  It comes to me in large amounts from voice over jobs.  It mocks me. “Come on, bitch!  Spend me.  Spend meeee.  NO?  You won’t spend me?  Ok then. Here’s more.  Yeah yeah. MORE! Now you want to spend me, don’t you?  SPEND ME!!!” It’s like when you stop calling the hard to get boyfriend. Suddenly he’s calling you.  Suddenly he can’t get enough of you and is always around.

When I DO give a crap about money, money craps all over me.  Money becomes the boyfriend who leaves me for the girl in the boobie shirt who gets a couple shots in her and is up for anything. I think I was her back in my early 20s. *ahem*

Matt and I are on an austerity program so we can get the hell out of this dump. No crazy spending! Which I should never have said out loud. Cuz the money heard me and now those bastards can’t leave us fast enough.

Example- when you’re trying to save money, you’ll end up with a tree falling on your house, you’ll hit a hide a bed with your car on the highway, or you’ll end up in the emergency room for some stupid reason. Example 1 and 2 happened the last time we tried to save money. Example 3? Please note my husband gave full permission to publish this story. Oh and what a great story it is. The story to end all stories. Something Matt will laugh about.  Some day.

Matt called me on the way home from work.  He sounded strained as he asked, “Do we have nail polish remover?”  I told him it’s a house with four women. Of course we do.  He said through gritted teeth, “Get it out  and put it in the bathroom for me. I’ve got a tick.”

Matt doesn’t work deep in the forest.  He works deep in the city in a cubicle in an office complex. I replied, “Honey… how did you get a TICK?”

He explained a coworker who lives in the country stopped by his cube to talk and felt something drop off his body.  He looked around on the floor and then gave up.  Matt said, “Don’t worry, whatever it was will bite me.”

And it did.

Oh but the story gets even more interesting.

I asked Matt why the nail polish remover?  He said he called the hospital and that’s what they suggested to use to get the tick to back out of his skin.  I began laughing.  Oh city boy.  You got a tick and called the hospital.  That’s rich.

“Honey,” Matt said slowly, “It’s on my penis.”

“WHAT???? It’s… on.. your… ”

“The head.  It’s on the head of my penis.”

I couldn’t help myself. I burst out laughing.  Of all the damn things to happen to my husband.  I mean, come on. A country living co-worker happened to stop by to chat just as a tick from his clothing dropped off, fell to the floor, found Matt’s leg and crawled up his pant leg, into his undies and onto his…

Dick Tick.  My husband had a Dick Tick.

Matt sighed, “I’m glad you’re so amused. This HURTS. I’ll be there soon.” And then he hung up.

When Matt got home he raced for the bathroom where I had the nail polish remover, Qtips, tweezers, a bowl, and some matches waiting.  If he managed to get the tick to back out of his.. yeah.. then he could put it in the bowl and set it on fire.  Ticks pop when you set em on fire. I’m from the country.  I know these things.

Thirty minutes later…

Matt emerged from the bathroom looking pale and frustrated. He announced he was heading to the emergency room.  Head-ing. Heh.  OH poor Matt.The tick wasn’t budging, Matt had to pee and couldn’t, and was in a lot of pain. A nurse on the ER line said not to try it on his own any longer, just come on in.

Matt returned from the hospital a few hours later looking much happier.  He said the doctor had to use forceps to remove the tick, as it had it’s head buried so deeply in Matt’s.. yeah.. that it was a pain in the … yeah… to get out.  Because the tick was only in a few hours there is little risk of disease, but if Matt develops a fever or nausea within two weeks he is to call the DR and go on antibiotics immediately. Ticks are nasty germ carrying MF-ers.

The ER doctor did say Matt won the funniest ER story of the day award.  He might even be a finalist for funniest story of the year.

Because Matt married such a sympathetic and supportive woman, I’ve spent the past few days telling him, “Here’s a tip. Use your head.  Don’t get a tick on your dick.”

I think that should be the next episode of my show.