I’m a lot smaller now and so are my underpants.

My THONG underpants.

Oh good lordy I have a thin section of material up my ass. It’s so far up my ass I’m one strong hiccup away from my thong flying out of my mouth.

Yeah so I did what all chickies do when they lose a ton. I bought thongs. Thongs! I swore I’d never wear thongs. I thought thongs were disgusting, butthole hugging wastes of cotton. Oh you thought lace? You thought wrong. It’s bad enough I have the sensation of my butt being wiped all day. The last thing I need is the sensation of having it wiped with sand paper.

So today I’m all impressed with myself because I’m wearing a zebra striped thong. I’m an 80s metal chick whore like that. Yeah, I may be wearing old sweatpants, but there’s a zebra striped thong under those sweatpants. Who’s the hot housewife now? Huh huh??

I was in the bathroom with my daughters because even at age 3, 6, and 39, women must go to the bathroom in packs, when I went to pull down the thong and the fingers on my right hand got caught in the crotch lining.

See, on scanty panties- scanty cotton panties-scanty cotton THONGS, the crotch is often lined twice. Sometimes that lining has a gap in the top. Also see, when you pull down a thong, you pull by the sides. The sides of the material that’s on your hip. The sides are not double lined.

Are any of you getting where I’m going with this?

My thong was on sideways.

Backwards. And sideways. And maybe just a little bit inside out.

And it was that way allll day.

I laugh at my 3 year olds when they dress themselves and I find their undies on backwards and sideways. Yet I walked around all day long with my thong on sideways. I used the bathroom several times today, never truly noticing my crotch was around my hips.

Oooh baby. I’m one sexy thong wearing idiot.